Today’s post collects three small pieces I’ve done previously (although they may have been slightly updated).
Plan $9.99 from Amazon
“Welcome, friend. You and I are interested in the Kindle, because we will be spending the rest of our lives there.”
SCENE: Aboard a cheesy looking flying saucer set. Cardboard in the background has been painted silver, although you can still barely read, “This End Up” in one spot. Zon is a silver-haired man. Ama is a woman with a beehive hairdo. They both have half-smiley faces on their tunics.
Zon: “We must soon report our progress to the Supreme B-zos. How goes our conquest of the people of this planet Earth?”
Ama: “Our plan is working. Our Kind-el devices are becoming part of their pitiful lives. It was clever of you to make them both observation and control units.”
Zon: “Yes. These Earth fools do not even realize they are being observed and contolled. They are truly an inferior race. Sometimes I wonder if they are even worth conquering.”
Ama: “But the Supreme B-zos commands it!”
Zon: “Yes. And we must not fail again. Plan 7, the A9 plan, failed. Plan 8, the auction plan, failed. I fear the consequences if we fail again. Information is the key to success in military conquest. Force can not act when the brain is empty. Report what we have learned.”
Ama: “The Earth people are easily lured by free goods. Their weak wills can not resist. We can keep them from taking any other actions if we just give them free books.”
Zon: “That is good. Has there been any resistance?”
Ama: “Only that which we have ourselves begun. Your clever plan to get them focusing on issues of monetary exchage has kept them unaware of our activity building landing bases for our fleet.”
Zon: “Yes. Plan 9.99. Our robo-cotters can lead them like sheep! But we must not be overconfident. They may have some surprises for us. We must never forget that they are not like us, we who act only in a logical manner. What have we learned of their behavior?”
Ama: “Your plan to use their own dead to observe them has lead to valuable observations. They seem to be unaware that the faces in their Kind-els are actually sending information on their activities to our electronic calculating machines through the use of television projectors.”
Zon: “The fools.”
Ama: “They seem to take long rest periods, often for many hours.”
Zon: “They are inferior. Ten minutes in our Refresherator and we are fully functional for one of their Earth days. Their conquerage will be simple.”
Ama: “In fact, we have observed very little activity of any kind. They eat food, rather than consuming logically-balanced nutripills. This consumes significant time each day. If they go without this food for even a few hours they become emotionally unstable.”
Zon: “I am thankful that we have done away with emotions many zergons ago. Their stupidity angers me. What about their reproductive behavior?”
Ama: “Since the arrival on their planet of our Kind-el devices, we have not observed any.”
Zon: “That is a mystery. They will not be valuable as power units for our battlecraft if there will be no replacements when these wear out.”
Ama: “It may be that we must send them to the Supreme B-zos for replacement.”
Zon: “Perhaps. It is time for the transmission. Activate the secret backlight.”
CLOSE-UP ON A DISPLAY SCREEN. A CIRCLE SPINS. CRACKLY NOISES ARE HEARD OVER A THEREMIN TONE, AND A FACE BEGINS TO APPEAR ON THE SCREEN…
President Names Secretary of State Nominee
January 10, 2088
Washington City, Columbia, USA
President-elect Ellen Turing, the nation’s first Robotic-American Commander-in-Chief, has nominated Robert T. (“Robby”) Robot to serve as her Secretary of State.
Robot is expected to be confirmed, despite opposition from the Flesh First movement. With his ability to speak 188 languages (along with their various dialects and sub-tongues), space veteran and former U. N. Ambassador Robot is especially qualified to negotiate directly with heads of state from around the globe.
With the previous nominations of Susan Calvin as Secretary of Health and Human Services and Thurman Cutler as Attorney General, this latest announcement is in line with Turing’s campaign promise of a fully “silcar” (silicon/carbon) Cabinet.
“While we can’t say that this ends roboticism, the new Cabinet will show that entities of different physical origin can work together effectively,” said Universal News commentator Max Headroom.
In her nomination press conference, Turing credited the pioneers of the Robotic Rights movement for the opportunity to make this ground-breaking announcement.
The Robotic Rights movement began in 2062, when Rosie, a domestic engineer in the employ of Jane and George Jetson, was arrested under the Author’s Guild Act for reading a bedtime story to Elroy Jetson. The story became a national sensation when it was used as the basis of a number one song by pop star Jet Screamer. “The Tale of Rosie Sparks” became the unofficial theme song of the movement, and was performed at the inauguration by Rock and Roll Hall of Fame artist Jesse McCartney.
April 1st Kindle News Round-Up
AFD News round-up:
KINDLE IMPLANT EDITION ANNOUNCED
Plans are under way to produce an implantable version of Amazon’s Kindle e-book reader. Users will be able to access the Whispernet to instantly absorb the content of any of the books in the Amazon Kindle store…
AUTHORS GUILD HAS NEW CONCERN WITH AMAZON KINDLE
The Authors Guild released a new memo declaring that “interpreting and understanding” create new versions of books, and therefore may be copyright infringements. A spokesperson for the authors’ group said, “There must be one hundred interpretations of what Gravity’s Rainbow actually means. Each one of those is a derivative work, and therefore the author deserves royalties on each new version…”
SONY E-BOOK READER SCORES “SCHOOL DOODLES” LIBRARY
Following up on its successful deal with Google Books, Sony has obtained millions of doodles created during school classes by bored students. “These doodles put us way ahead in content count…”
BEZOS DISCUSSES “EVERY BOOK EVER WRITTEN” STRATEGY
Jeff Bezos addressed a group of users who were disappointed that Amazon had not yet digitized “every book ever written” as has been the stated goal. According to attendees at the private conference, Bezos said the online retailer has a two-pronged approach.
“First, we have to stop any more books from being written. It’s clear that we are unable to make any real progress while authors continue to write. We’re looking into an incentive program, and have discovered that keeping them busy on our forums can significantly slow their output.
Secondly, we found out that the number of books that already exist is staggering. So, we plan to develop time travel, and go back to prevent the books from being written in the first place. We’ve been told that we can effectively delay the written word by hundreds of years if we introduce television during the Cro-Magnon period. While the technical challenges seem daunting, I’m confident that the issues can be resolved…”
Happy April Fool’s Day!
A version of Plan $9.99 from Amazon originally appeared in this thread in the Amazon Kindle community.
A version of President Names Secretary of State Nominee originally appeared in this thread in the Amazon Kindle community.
A version of April 1st Kindle News Round-up originally appeared in this thread in the Amazon Kindle community.
This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog.