Beaver and the Kindle

Beaver and the Kindle

Scene 1

In the Cleaver kitchen. Ward is reading the newspaper. June, wearing her trademark pearls, sets breakfast in front of him.

June: “Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver.”

Ward: “What is it, dear?”

June: “I was dusting under his dresser and I found a note from Miss Landers.”

Ward: “Maybe it was a homework assignment for the dust bunnies.”

June: “Ward Cleaver! We do not have dust bunnies!”

Ward: “I’m sorry, dear. I was just trying to be funny. I know we don’t.” (June smiles)

June: “Well, this is serious. She said she was worried that Beaver wasn’t reading enough.”

Ward: “Dear, Beaver’s a young boy. He doesn’t read anything unless…he doesn’t read anything.”

June: “Well, his teacher thinks he should.”

Ward: “We could get him some comic books.” (chuckles)

June: “Oh, you!”

Ward: “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt him to read some Tom Swift. I’ll talk to him about it.”

June; “Thank you, Dear. I wouldn’t want him to end up living in our basement when he’s 25.”

Ward: “No young man would ever live with his parents when he’s twenty-five!”

June: “It was my turn to be funny.”

Ward: “It’s always your turn to be pretty…leave the funny to the man of the house.”

(June crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows)

Ward: “All right, dear, you don’t have to give me the look. (yelling) Boys!”

(Beaver and Wally come bounding down the stairs)

Wally: “What is it, Dad? Is breakfast ready?”

Beaver: “Yeah. I’m so hungry, I think I’m more empty on the inside than on the outside.”

Ward: “Your stomach will just have to wait for a minute. Beaver, did Miss Landers send a note home with you?”

Beaver: “Gee, Dad, she’s a teacher…they’re always doing junk like that.”

Ward: “Why didn’t you give it to us?”

Beaver: “I didn’t remember on accounta I forgot.”

Wally: “That’s right, Dad. He’s just a little kid. His brain’s too small to remember stuff.”

Ward: “Be that as it may, Wally. Beaver, did you read the note?”

Beaver: “Gosh, no, Dad. Miss Landers didn’t ask me to read it.”

Ward: “You don’t read anything unless your teacher asks you to?”

Beaver: “No, Dad…why would I wanna do that?”

June: “Your father was reading right before you came downstairs.”

Wally: “What were you reading, Dad?”

Ward: “What was I reading, Dear?”

June: “The newspaper.”

Beaver: “Ah, that’s grown-up junk.”

Ward: “That’s right, Dear…we can’t expect a young boy to be interested in what’s going on in the world.”

June: “Wally, you read books, don’t you?”

Wally: “Just for school. Can you imagine the razzing I’d get from Eddie if he saw me with a book? He’d call me a square.”

Ward: “That’s right Dear. The boy does have a reputation to think about.”

June: “Ward…”

Ward: “Yes, Dear. Beaver, your mother and I think you should read books, and that’s all there is to it.”

Wally: “I guess it won’t be so bad being the brother of a square.” (punches Beaver in the bicep…the boys play fight)

June: “Stop it, you two…no rough-housing.”

Ward: “I just thought of something. I think Fred Rutherford got one of those Kindles. I could ask him about it. That way, Beaver could read and it wouldn’t look like a book.”

June: “Oh, Ward, aren’t those expensive?”

Ward: “You’re the one who said the boy’s reading was important. I’m just supporting you, Dear.”

June: “Beaver, Clarence has a Kindle, and he’s not a square, is he?”

Beaver: “Gee, Mom…I don’t know what kind of shape Lumpy is.”

Wally: “I’m taking geometry, and I don’t even know.”

Ward: “That’s settled, then. Beaver, you are going to have to take good care of this. I don’t want the same thing to happen to this that happened to your accordion.”

June: “Who wants French toast?”

Scene 2

The Cleaver kitchen. June is cleaning the windows (in her pearls). Eddie Haskell appears outside the window, prompting a jump take from June and an “Oh, oh…hahhahahah” from the laugh track

June: “Come on in, Eddie.”

Eddie: “I’m sorry if I scared you, Mrs. Cleaver. A gentleman should never scare an old lady.”

June: “Thank you, Eddie…I think.Wally and the Beaver are up in their room.”

Eddie: “Would if be okay if I went up to see them? It’s always such a pleasure to see young Theodore.”

June: “Certainly. Eddie, do you mind if I ask you a question, first?”

Eddie: “Of course. I’m always interested in the wisdom of my elders.”

June: “You don’t think reading a book makes a boy a square, do you?”

Eddie: “Certainly not. I think literature is crucial to the development of young minds.”

June: “Thank you, Eddie.” (she smiles broadly)

Eddie: “Of course, I don’t think that’s true for young ladies. I think glasses spoil a girl’s looks. I’d hate to see you ruin your lovely appearance with a pair of spectacles.”

June: “Run on upstairs, Eddie. Tell the boys I’ll make some sandwiches for the three of you, and bring them up with some hot soup in half an hour.”

Scene 3

In the Cleaver boys’ bedroom…Eddie enters

Eddie: “Hey, Sam, what’s shaking? Beat it, small fry…me and Wally need to have a pow wow…you know, man talk.”

Wally: “Hold on, Eddie. Go ahead, Beav…what happened?”

Beaver: “Well, I took my Kindle to the playground. I told Whitey about all the books in it, and he broke it open, on accounta he wanted to see the books in it. Gee, Wally, I don’t know what I’m gonna do!”

Eddie: “You’re in trouble now, Squirt. You’re old man’s gonna blow his top for sure! You’ll be lucky if you ever see anything with a plug again.”

Wally: “Knock it off, Eddie. Beaver, just tell Dad. There’s probably some kind of warranty or somethin’.”

Beaver: “You really think so, Wally? That’d be swell. I don’t wanna not have plugs again. How would I watch TV?”

Scene 4

In the Cleaver family room. Beaver and Wally are there, looking worried. June is in a dust mask and pearls, cleaning the air vent. Ward enters

Ward: ‘Well, Beaver, I just got off the phone with Amazon.”

Beaver: “Am I in trouble? Do I gotta go to jail for bustin’ it?”

Wally: “Beaver, they don’t send kids to jail for bustin’ stuff…they wouldn’t have enough room for the real bad guys.”

June: “What did they say, Dear?”

Ward: “They’re going to send us another one.”

Beaver: “Do you gotta pay for it?”

Ward: “I wasn’t the one who broke it, Beaver. Who do you think should pay for it?”

Beaver: “Whitey? He’s the one who busted it.”

Ward: “That would be between him and Mr. Whitney. When we agreed that we would get you this Kindle, we agreed that you would be responsible for it.”

Beaver: “Yeah, I guess so. I shouldn’t oughta of taken it where Whitey could bust it. But gee, Dad, I only got forty-five cents…does it cost more than that?”

Ward: “I think that will just about cover it.”

(Beaver and Wally trudge upstairs)

June: “Ward, it can’t cost only forty-five cents.”

Ward: “No, Dear, you’re right. They are actually replacing it for free.”

June: “So why did you want Beaver to get his forty-five cents?”

Ward: “I just want to teach him a lesson, so he’ll be more responsible with his things in the future.”

Epilogue

In the Cleaver boys’ bedroom. Beaver is laying on his bed looking at his new Kindle

Wally: “It was pretty swell of Dad not to take your forty-five cents.”

Beaver: “Yeah…how come he did that, Wally?”

Wally: “Oh, he just wanted to teach you a lesson in the first place…but then he couldn’t go through with it. Adults are like that: they like to say stuff, but they don’t always like to do it. That way, he can seem like he’s being a good father, but he’s really still just Dad.”

Beaver: “I guess so.”

Wally: “Whatcha readin’?”

Beaver: “Oh, I’m not reading nothing: I’m playing Minesweeper. I don’t wanna be a square.”

Wally: “Yeah…you don’t want to be a square and a goof.”

End Credits

This is a parody of the classic Leave It To Beaver TV series. As in any parody, I’ve exaggerated aspects of it. When I went to watch a few episodes to help me recapture the rhythm and the characters (I did used to watch it, but it’s been some time), I was surprised to not find it easily streaming. I think that may be a mistake on the part of the studio…it may be hard for older programs to find new viewers if they are only available for purchase or on scheduled TV. On demand will increasingly be the way kids see shows. By the way, yes, I am that geeky that I even research my parodies…and as a kid, it was rare that people saw me without a book. ;)

This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog.

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14 Responses to “Beaver and the Kindle”

  1. jennifer Says:

    This is so spot on.I loved it! So funny too.Bufo…a. Career in screenwriting?

  2. susan Says:

    I loved your parody as well. I read the Star Trek one too, super, It was just like I could hear the character’s voices. I’m a hopeless trellis anyway. Thanks for the smile to start the day.

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, susan!

      I’m glad you liked them! By the way, I’m guessing that autocorrect changed “trekkie” or “trekker” to “trellis”. :)

  3. Edward Boyhan Says:

    It didn’t seem exaggerated to me at all — matched my memories of the show pretty closely. We sure had strange views of ourselves back then :D.

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Edward!

      Well, I guess my side won’t be calling you as a witness in my infringement trail, if any. ;)

      For me to be able to use characters under copyright protection like this, I have to be parodying them…making fun of something about them by exaggerating it, typically.

      In my defense on this one, I would cite:

      * June cleaning the air vent in a dust mask. While we were aware of her cleaning, that’s really beyond what we would see.
      * I’ve made Ward more chauvinist than he was…that “your turn to look pretty line” is above and beyond
      * Similarly, I don’t think Eddie would really have made the comments about girls and glasses
      * I’ve also exaggerated June and food…the “French toast” thing is a bit out of left field, as is the “hot soup”

  4. Joseph Bowers Says:

    Add me to the list of fans of this parody. Very well done, Mr. Calvin! Thanks for the chuckles…

  5. Laura Says:

    Bahahahaha! Spot on.

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Laura!

      I’m glad you enjoyed it…and that you took the time to tell me. :)

  6. Tony Says:

    About a year or so ago, I bought the complete “Leave It to Beaver” set when it was an Amazon Gold Box special, and whenever I go home for lunch, I’ll watch an episode. I’m currently in the middle of season 5. Which is all to say that you did a great job of getting the voices and slang of the characters.

    The only correction I might make: instead of Wally saying that Eddie would give him “a razzing” if he saw Wally with a book, I think he’d more likely say that Eddie would give him “the business.” It means the same thing, but that was one term they used a lot. Anyway, you did such a good job I felt like I should have been eating lunch when I read it!

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Tony!

      I’m flattered! You’re right, “the business” would probably have been better. I did watch a couple of episodes to remind me (I’m sure I’ve seen them all at some point). but that one didn’t show up. When you say it, though, it’s familiar.

  7. Parody Hotter and the Library of Congress Says:

    […] Recently, I did a Leave It to Beaver parody called Beaver and the Kindle. […]

  8. “Your writing taste has been surprised me…” « I Love My Kindle Says:

    […] that, because Eddie was actually very articulate when speaking with Mrs. Cleaver (see my parody, Beaver and the Kindle). I considered Eddielinks, but “Eddiecoms” (short for “Eddie Haskell […]

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