If dogs were devices

If dogs were devices

Hy: “Hey, did you hear about the new model dog they’re releasing? It’s supposed to be bipedal!”

Cybee: “That’s just a rumor, and I don’t believe it. Who would want a bipedal dog? How would you keep them off the kitchen table?

Hy: “Maybe it’s a nano-dog…they couldn’t reach on two legs.”

Cybee: “I hate those little things. If it has to worry about you stepping on it, it’s not a real dog.”

Andy: “I’ll tell you what’s a real dog…a wolf.”

Hy: “Ah, what do you know about it?”

Andy: “I was there when we got the first dogs.”

Cybee: “What, like fifteen thousand years ago?”

Andy: “Yep. I’m a cloned Neandertal…they even managed to pull in my old memories.”

Cybee: “You’re Andy Tal?”

Andy: “That’s me. You modern Saps don’t seem to care much for my real name, so they started calling me Ne Andy Tal…and Andy just sort of stuck.”

Hy: “What did you call us?”

Andy: “Saps…no offense meant. It’s just sort for Homo sapiens sapiens…that’s you guys.”

Cybee: “Wait a minute…I thought I read that the…um…Saps used dogs to help us conquer you Neandertals.”

Andy: “That’s just a bunch of disinformation. Believe you me, there wasn’t any conquering going on! I’ve heard all about it…you had tools, you had language, you name it. All you had was dominant genes….you just mated us out of existence, for the most part.”

Cybee: “What do you mean for the most part?”

Andy: “There are still a few of us around, out in the wild, and I’m sure you’ve seen somebody at the beach who got some recessive genes and looked like me.”

Hy: “I guess so. So, wolves, huh? I’ll be you’re jealous of our modern dogs!”

Andy: “Not really. Wolves were a whole lot more reliable. I can’t believe all the glitches you have with your dogs! Hip dysplasia, heartworms, ticks, fleas…sure, wolves had some problems with those, but you’ve thinned out the skins so much and spent all this time breeding for cute noses and pretty hairdos that you take your dogs to the doctor all the time. You inject them and powder them and buy them special foods…it’s pathetic, really.”

Cybee: “But you can’t really train a wolf, right?”

Andy: “Train them to do what?”

Cybee: “Oh, fetch, and sit, and…um, canine agility…”

Andy: “Sigh. That stuff has nothing do with what being a dog means. You want all the bells and whistles, and you love your multi-functional animals. For us, wolves ate the garbage and let us know when a stranger was around. They might even help out with the hunt, but none of that took any training. They just did what they always did…it’s just that they did it with us, instead of in their own packs.”

Hy: “What about house training?”

Andy: “No houses. When we were in the same caves, wolves don’t poop where they sleep. The way you guys live, with wood on the ground and plants in the rooms, it’s not surprising dogs get confused. I’ve seen some of those pretty dog breeds…they aren’t all that bright anyway.”

Hy: “I don’t care what you say. I want a dog that will sit in my lap, come when I call, and make me laugh.”

Andy: “Up to you. Don’t let an old ‘caveman’ tell you what to do.”

Cybee: “That’s fine, old-timer. Hey, Hy, did you hear that J.K. Rowling has announced her own brand of dog?”

Hy: “You’re kidding!”

Cybee: “Nope, she’s taking pre-orders now. It’s a cross between a Maltese, a Pug, and a Poodle.”

Hy: “What does she call it?”

Cybee: “A Muggle…”

This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog.

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