Beier Book Awards announced
Note: this is a work of humor. There are no Beier Book awards, to my knowledge, and no connection to Ulli Beier, or anyone else named Beier, is intended.
Atherton, CA: The annual Beier Book Awards winners have just been revealed.
The awards, pronounced “Buy-her”, are solely intended to promote the works of authors who otherwise would never be bought by the average reader.
“Most people make the mistake of only purchasing books which they will enjoy,” said Justus Nobb, Director of the Selection Committee. “We feel that it is our duty, for the good of humanity, to advocate for those books which no one wishes to read. It is our hope that in doing so, authors who write odious and/or overly pretentious books, can enjoy the fruits of their labor as much as those who write accessible claptrap that anyone can understand and appreciate.”
This year’s winners:
- Fiction: YR 2 S2PD 4 THS BK, by Wanda B. Young. In this contemporary take on the epistolary novel, 92 year old grande literateur Young composes a moving story of two immortal philosophers who communicate entirely by texting each other. In refusing the award, Young said: “I don’t need your meaningless trinket. No one should read my book who isn’t smart enough to have done so without your tiny approbation. Be gone!”
- Nonfiction: Civil War Buttons of Central Louisiana, by Min Yu Tsieh. In this mind-numbing 1,487 page tome, Tsieh reproduces daguerreotypes and sketches of every type of button used in the US Civil War by soldiers fighting in the central part of Lousiana, with details of their manufacture and weaknesses and strengths. In explaining the length of the book (which necessitated reproducing some buttons through a $50,000 3D imaging program designed for this express, so that the front, back and edge could be shown on different pages), Tsieh explained that, “It was the same number of days the Civil War, or as I call it, ‘The Fasteners’ Conflict’, lasted.”
- Children’s: My Parents Suck, by Sunshine Everett “Evry” Day. This depressing picture book reproduces children’s sketches made when they are angry at their patients. Caution: contains scenes of stick figure violence. This is a follow up to Day’s extremely unsuccessful volume, “Dogs Bite, Cats Scratch, Goldfish Die”
- Design: A Pulverized Life, by BzzrrrCHANGCHANGCHANGbzzzrr. In this unique (there is only one copy) work, the author had painstakingly written down every personal utterance since the age of five. The earliest writings were in crayon, and then on eventually to other more sophisticated media. On BzzrrrCHANGCHANGCHANGbzzzrr’s 75th birthday, the papers were put into a food processor, and ground into an unrecognizable lump, which is on display in the author’s home. While having no commercial aspects would generally disqualify a book from the Beier, the merchandising lines of a perfume, rainboots, and golf balls were deemed acceptable substitutes
We would include links to purchase these books, but really, what would be the point?
This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog.