The Pirate Steals Songs, Batman Rights Wrongs – part 1
This is part one of a parody of the 1960s Batman series with Adam West and Burt Ward.
We see spotlights outside a swanky theatre, and then a banquet room filled with celebrities and rich people.
Voiceover: “A glamorous night in Gotham City…all of Tinselwood has turned out for the Wayne Foundation charity premiere of the latest Bat-blockbuster! Silence those cellphones, viewers…your feature is about to start!”
We cut to a table. Seated at it are millionaire Bruce Wayne (Adam West), his ward Dick Grayson (Burt Ward), a famous movie director (Paul Reubens) and his wildly-dressed companion, Helena Troy Mondale (Kristen Wiig).
Dick: “Gosh, Bert Timmons! I think your movies are the coolest!”
Bruce: “I agree, Dick. They have an offbeat surrealist sensibility, not unlike the early cinematic efforts of Tod Browning.”
Helena: “Are you a student of the cinema, Mr. Wayne?”
Bruce: “I prefer the classical arts, Ms. Mondale, but I don’t deny the value of the artistry of the moving image.”
Bert: “Well, I really appreciate you hosting this exclusive premiere of my latest Batman movie, Bruce.”
Bruce: “The Wayne Foundation is always ready to help out a charity…especially when it involves such lovely ladies.”
Helena: “Oh, Mr. Wayne!”
Dick: “I think they’re starting.”
We cut to a podium in front of a large screen showing the Wayne Foundation logo. Commisioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara flank the podium. A woman walks to to the podium. We cut to a medium shot, and can see a name plate: “Mayor Judi Rooleeanee”.
Voiceover: “Ladies and gentlemen, Mayor Rooleeanee.”
Mayor Rooleeannee (Melissa McCarthy): “Citizens of our fair city, and distinguished visitors! Welcome to the Gotham Chinese Theatre! I want to first thank millionaire Bruce Wayne and the Wayne Foundation for their generous support. Second, thank you to director Bert Timmons and the lovely Helena Troy Mondale for allowing us this exclusive premiere of this movie, starring the city’s own caped crusader…Batman! I had hoped Batman himself might make an appearance, but it seems that he had another engagement. I don’t know what it could be, since we are the safest large city in the country…bat-villains excluded, of course. If he was here, though, I’m sure he would ask you to give generously to the Orphans and Extras Fund on your way out, after your exclusive first look at Batman: Cave of Dreams!”
The lights stay up, and the screen changes to a green background. A piratey voiceover says, “This movie is rated Arrr!” The screen clears, and we see The Pirate (Will Ferrell).
The Pirate: “Yo ho ho and a bottle of bummer! You won’t be setting sail on an exclusive tonight!”
Bert: “Hey! That’s not my movie!”
The Pirate: “Information wants to be free! I’ve plundered your picture…but don’t worry, ye’ll all be seein’ it!”
Suddenly, we start hearing cellphones going off all around the room. We see Bert look at his phone, as a “Batman: Cave of Dreams” title card appears on it.
Bert: “Aah! They’ve stolen my movie and sent it to everyone in this room!”
Bruce: “Unless I miss my guess, the fiend has sent it to everyone in Gotham City.”
Dick: “Gosh, Bruce! Who’s going to donate to the Orphans & Extras now?”
The Pirate: “I’m thinkin’ that ye might all be wishin’ for a little less freedom right now. Well, never let it be said that The Pirate weren’t hospitable. I’ll be throwin’ the Mayor in the brig!”
The lights go out for literally just a second.
When they come back up, we see that the Mayor is missing!
Chief O’Hara: “Faith and begorrah!”
Commissioner Gordon: “The Mayor is gone!”
Dick: “Holy special elections!”
Bruce: “Well, Dick, since we aren’t going to see the movie tonight, I think we’d better get back to stately Wayne manor. After all, it is a school night.”
Dick: “You bet, Bruce! It was an honor to meet you, Mr. Timmons.”
Bert lets out a wail.
Bruce: “Don’t worry, Bert. The Wayne Foundation will make a generous donation in your name. Good evening, Ms. Mondale. Let’s go, chum!”
We are at police headquarters.
Voiceover: “After a fruitless search for the city’s chief executive, Commissioner Gordon and Chief O”Hara ponder the Pirates perfidious performance.”
O’Hara: “I don’t understand it. Me boys have scoured all of downtown, with nary a sign of her honor. If I could get me hands on that sea-going scoundrel, I’d keelhaul him!”
Gordon: “Now,Chief, while I understand your frustration, it will be up to the courts to determine an appropriate punishment…after a finding of guilty, of course.”
O’Hara: “Sure, and that’s the truth. I just don’t know what else we can do.”
Gordon: “Neither do I…but I think we know someone who might.”
Commissioner Gordon makes a call on the Bat-Phone. We do a bat-cut to stately Wayne Manor, where Bruce and Dick have just entered the sitting room.
Aunt Harriet: “You boys are home early. Wasn’t the movie good?”
Bruce: “Unfortunately, there were…technical difficulties.”
Aunt Harriet: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! A night at the picture show would have done you both some good.”
Alfred enters: “I’m sorry to interrupt. It’s the red phone, Master Bruce.”
Bruce: “Thank you, Alfred. We’ll take it in the library.”
We cut to the library, and Bruce on the phone.
Bruce: “The Pirate, you say? And the Mayor vanished? Fear not, Commissioner…we won’t waste a moment.” (hangs up dramatically) “To the Batpoles!”
(in the Batcave)
Robin: “Gosh, Bruce, I don’t understand. How did The Pirate get Mayor Rooleeanee out of the Gotham Chinese Theatre without anybody seeing them?”
Batman: “I have my suspicions, Boy Wonder, but let’s see what the Bat-Computer has to say.”
Batman pushes a few buttons. We can hear the relays closing, and the Batcomputer spits out a card, which Robin grabs and reads out loud.
Robin: “‘The Pirate could not have gotten the Mayor out of the theatre.’ Holy that does not compute!”
Batman: “Exactly as I had deduced.”
Suddenly, the Batcomputer begins making noises again, and another card spits out. Robin grabs it and read it: “Arr, Batlubber, you’ve been pinged!”
Batman: “Step back, Robin!”
Batman touches a button on the Batcomputer, and flames instantly appears, separating Batman and Robin from the Batcomputer.
Robin: “Holy flame-broiled burgers! What’s that?”
Batman: “Just a little security measure I installed on the Batcomputer. It prevents anyone who hacks into our system from getting any information or geolocating us.”
Robin: “But what is it?”
Batman: “The Bat-firewall.”
Robin: “Gee, that was smart, Batman! But how do we get to the Batcomputer now…and what did it mean by it saying it was impossible?”
Batman: “I’m afraid we won’t be able to use the Batcomputer for some time, Robin. Still, it’s never good to become too reliant on technology. The human brain is the greatest computer ever built.”
Robin: “Gosh, Batman, that’s right. I don’t know what I was thinking. You said you had an idea about what happened to the Mayor?”
Batman: “More than an idea…a theory, and the Batcomputer confirmed it. Did you notice anything unusual when the Mayor approached the podium?”
Robin: “It seemed like a perfectly ordinary star-studded event.”
Batman: “Although the microphone was open, there wasn’t the tell-tale sound of a woman’s heels on the floor, even though I had quite distinctly heard the sound of Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara’s shoes as they had taken up their protective positions.”
Robin: “I don’t get it.”
Batman: “It’s simple: the Mayor was never in the theatre. What we saw was a clever three-dimensional illusion, created no doubt by that techno-fiend, the Pirate.”
Robin: “Holy hologram!”
Batman: “Precisely, Robin! Since it was impossible for The Pirate to have taken the Mayor from the benefit, the devil must have taken her before!”
Robin: “So what do we do now?”
Batman: “We think, Robin. The Pirate must have waited until the Mayor’s work was done for the day before absconding with her to his pirate ship. That means his hideout must be nearby. Now where would there be a pirate ship in Gotham City?”
Robin: “The old abandoned Pirate Bay attraction in Gotham Harbor!”
Batman: “You’ve done it, old chum! To the Batmobile!”
They leap into the Batmobile. We see “Bat airbag” icons appear on the dashboard, as they fasten their seatbelts.
Robin: “Atomic batteries to power…zero-emission turbines to speed!”
We see a shot of the back of the Batmobile, as bubbles come out of a pipe, form into bat shapes, and then pop. The Batmobile roars out of the Batcave, and we see it race off down the road.
Voiceover: “As the Dynamic Duo drives at the speed limit towards Pirate Bay, the Infamous Infringer taunts Gotham City’s duly-elected Chief Executive.”
We see the Pirate at a Captain’s Wheel (although we are indoors) and three henchmen. They are wearing shirts that have their names on them: HACKER, TROJAN, and MALWARE. The Pirate’s electronic parrot on his shoulder squawks. Mayor Rooleeanee is tied to a mast, in the enclosed room.
Hacker: “Gee, Boss, I don’t get it. Why’d we kidnap the Mayor? We don’t usually do stuff in real life.”
The Pirate: “That be Captain Boss, Hacker! Twere a necessary evil, twere.”
Mayor Rooleeanee: “You’ll never get away with this! Gotham City’s finest won’t rest until I”m rescued!”
The Pirate: “Ye be forgettin’…we be on the water, and outside their jurisdiction…arr har har!”
Mayor Rooleeanee: “It’s you that has forgotten! Batman knows no jurisdiction! I’m sure he’s on his way right now to serve you some waterlogged justice!”
The Pirate: “Aye, your dissed honor! I be countin’ on it.”
Hacker: “What do you mean, Boss…uh, Captain Boss? Batman’s coming here? How could he find us?”
The Pirate: “We’re on the only pirate ship in a hundred miles, barnacle brain! But don’t be worried…I’ve prepared a surprise for the noxious noobs!”
Voiceover: “A surprise? Watch out, Batman! Sometimes surprises are not good!”
We cut to Batman and Robin on either side of a door in what appears to be the interior of a pirate ship. There is a big X on it, and it is labeled…”www.thepiratesbrig.com”.
Batman: “Ready, old chum?”
Robin: “As always, Batman! But, gosh, it seems a little obvious…what if it’s a trap?”
Batman: “What are the odd of that?”
Robin: “Gee, Batman, I’m not that good at math.”
Batman: “Mathematics are the ballet of the mind, Robin. We may not all dance in the Gotham City Ballet, but we all have to pirouette from time to time.”
Robin: “Gosh, I never thought of it that way, Batman.”
Batman: “It’s never too late to see things from a new perspective. Now, let’s rescue the Mayor!”
Batman and Robin burst through the door and assume fighting positions. The lights come up on a stage and we see…Rick Astley (live) performing Never Gonna Give You Up.
Robin: “Holy hijacked hyperlink, Batman! We’ve been Rickrolled!”
The Pirate appears on a screen behind Rick Astley, who has stopped playing and looks confused.
The Pirate: “Ye be right, me unlucky lad! Don’t be tryin’ the door…it be battened down!”
Batman: “You scurrilous cyber sea-dog! What have you done with the Mayor?”
The Pirate: “Oh, she be here with we…um, us. She’ll be goin’ on a voyage with us! Hacker! Trojan! Malware! Ready the boards…it’s time for us to surf!”
The henchmen take the Mayor and each step on to a brightly colored motorized surfboard. The Pirate turns back to the camera.
The Pirate: “I’ll be sendin’ you to Davy Jones’ Locker, Masked Monkees! It be time for you to log out…”
We hear a loud rumbling sound, and a huge log (several feet high) that has been up by the ceiling begins slowly, inexorably rolling towards Batman and Robin.
Robin: “Holy orange crush, Batman! We’ll be squashed like bugs!”
Voiceover: “Will Batman and Robin be logged out…permanently? Will their crimefighting accounts be deleted by a shivering timber? Wooden you like to know? Tune in tomorrow…same Bat-time, same Bat-blog!”
This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog.