New menus at the Amazon Diner

New menus at the Amazon Diner

Note: this is a work of humor. There is no Amazon Diner program at this point.

Pat: “I can’t wait to try out this new Amazon Diner!”

Jan: “Is everything Amazon with you?”

Pat: “Not yet…but I’m hoping.”

Jan: “Ha, ha. I don’t think they’re open…I don’t see anybody.”

Pat: “No, you just sit down anywhere you want, and open up the app.”

Jan: “On your Fire? What if I don’t have a Fire?”

Pat: “They have the app for a lot of devices…I think I also saw a Kindle Fire vending machine outside. They do rentals…”

Jan: “Never mind, you go ahead.”

Kindle Waiter (appearing on screen): “Hi, I’m Fiona. I’ll be your waiter today. Would you like to see your menus?”

Jan: “Whoa! What are all those things on your Fire?”

Pat: “I guess those are the menus. Wow, there are a lot of them! Where do I start?

Fiona: “Well, are you looking for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or some other option?”

Pat: “Um…let’s start with breakfast.”

Fiona: “Here you go. These are the breakfast menus. You have 347 breakfast menus available.”

Jan: “Can I just have some eggs?”

Fiona: “You have 62 egg choices.”

Pat: “Why so many?”

Fiona: “These menus represent every time you have ordered eggs in the past. You can choose from all of the methods you have selected before. If you prefer, I can connect your device to the Chef’s Plaza. Then, you can select a Chef, and try your eggs a new way.”

Pat: “No, no, I’m sure there is something I’ll like here. I can’t imagine there are many kinds of eggs I haven’t tried.”

Fiona: “You’d be surprised.”

Pat: “I’ll just pick one at random. Jellied eggs? I don’t eat jellied eggs.”

Fiona: “You must have, at some point.”

Jan: “Don’t you remember? We used to have them when we were kids, at the cabin.”

Pat: “Oh, yeah! Wait, I must have been…what, like nine or ten? This menu has every kind of egg I’ve ever had?”

Fiona: “Yes. Isn’t that convenient?”

Jan: “Not really.”

Pat: “Sh. Let me take a look. This one must be a mistake! I can guarantee you that I’ve never eaten eggs with green tea and soy sauce!”

Jan: “Hey…isn’t that what your cousin did…the one who lived in Japan?”

Pat: “I don’t think they even eat them like that in Japan! Besides, why would my cousin’s eggs show up in my menu?”

Fiona: “Is it possible you ate with your cousin?”

Pat: “Sure.”

Fiona: “Would you have paid separately?”

Jan: “We haven’t seen that cousin since we were kids.”

Fiona: “Would you have paid separately?”

Pat: “I guess one of our parents would have paid.”

Fiona: “That would explain it, then. We would consider that you were on your parents’ account, so all those menus show up.”

Jan: “Can’t I just order without a menu?”

Fiona: “Something new, or something you’ve eaten before?”

Jan: “Before.”

Fiona: “Pat, if you start flipping through the menus, you’ll find individual items at the back.”

Pat: “After the 347 menus?”

Fiona: “Those are just the breakfast menus. Individual listings are after all the menus.”

Jan: “How many is that?”

Fiona: “17, 432.”

Pat: “Hey, look! They have pizza. I love cold pizza for breakfast! Nature’s perfect food!”

Jan: “Riiight.”

Pat: “Wait a minute…there’s nothing on the pizza menu.”

Fiona: “That’s because this restaurant isn’t compatible with pizza. We don’t have a pizza oven.”

Pat: “Then I’ll just delete that menu…at least I can clean it up a bit that way.”

Fiona: “Warning: if you delete that menu, you will delete it from all of the restaurants in the Amazon Diner system.”

Jan: “Well, that menu doesn’t do much good if there’s nothing on it!”

Fiona: “There would be something on it, if you were in a pizza-compatible restaurant.”

Pat: “So, if I delete it from here, I won’t be able to order pizza anywhere else, either?”

Fiona: “Your Kindle waiter would be able to direct you to the Chef’s Plaza.”

Pat: “I don’t want that. I guess I’ll go with the jellied eggs. Can I send them back if I don’t like them?”

Fiona: “Certainly. Just let me know, and I’ll e-mail you a label you can print out. You just stick it to the plate.”

Jan: “Where’s the printer?”

Fiona: “Under the table.”

Jan: “Let’s make this easy…I’ll have that, too.”

Fiona: “People who ordered jellied eggs also ordered Canadian bacon, orange juice, and paper clips.”

Pat: “Just the eggs, thanks.”

Fiona: “If you order one more set of jellied eggs, you’ll be eligible to order lunch at 25% off.”

Jan: “I think we’re good.”

Fiona: “Would you like the orders separately, or should we combine them to save delivery costs?”

Pat: “Delivery costs? I have Prime.”

Fiona: “Yes, you do. Your delivery costs are included in your Prime membership.”

Pat: “Then how would I save on delivery costs?”

Fiona: “Not your costs…our costs.”

Pat: “Whatever is easiest.”

Fiona: “Coming right up! Thank you for your order with Amazon Diner. Your default payment method has been debited.” (disappears from the screen)

Jan: “I wonder if Fiona included a tip?”

Pat: “No, there’s no tip…one of the advantages here.”

Jan: “So, they’ve already collected the money…I guess we won’t see Fiona with the bill.”

Pat: “I don’t think Fiona is here…I think all the Kindle waiters are in Seattle.”

Jan: “Really. I was wondering why Washington’s unemployment rate was dropping so much. I heard it’s like 2% lower than California’s. I suppose we’re only going to see a waiter when they bring our food.”

Pat: “I guess so. Hold on, do you hear that?”

Jan: “What?”

Pat: “That buzzing sound…”

Jan: “You mean…”

Pat: “Yep…eight tiny helicopter rotors. I guess we won’t be seeing a waiter after all…”

This post was inspired by people’s reactions to a recent update bringing Cloud Collections to latest generation of Kindle Fires and of the Paperwhite. On the Paperwhite, something similar to what I’m describing here happene, with some people getting dozens of Collections they had created on devices in the past…in some case, devices they didn’t even have any more. I’m hoping they make some changes to Cloud Collections in a future update

This post by Bufo Calvin originally appeared in the I Love My Kindle blog. To support this or other blogs/organizations, buy  Amazon Gift Cards from a link on the site, then use those to buy your items. There will be no cost to you, and a benefit to them.


9 Responses to “New menus at the Amazon Diner”

  1. Lady Galaxy Says:

    I wonder if your entree has to total $25 before you can order side dishes?

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Lady!

      Great minds think alike! I considered that one (referencing Add-on items), and the option would be to buy your toast for something like $10 (or fifty cents as an Add-on). I just didn’t quite get it into the flow…

      • Lady Galaxy Says:

        If toast wasn’t available as an add on, you’d probably have to order a dozen loaves of bread toasted;) I couldn’t find one of my favorite Christmas treats locally. I found it on Amazon, but I would have had to order 12 boxes in order to get the two boxes I really wanted.

  2. Brenda G. Says:

    I’m not a ‘Twitter’er, so couldn’t find a way to get a hold of you.
    Have you seen this?

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Brenda!

      This is a good way to get hold of me. 🙂 I recommend on the website that people comment on the About page:

      but I see all of the comments pretty quickly. Sometimes, people find my e-mail…but it might be days before I respond to something there. Commenting is the best way to go, and easiest for me…a good combination. 😉

      I really appreciate you giving me the heads-up! I’d actually seen it and written about it before I saw your comment (but after you’d written it), but that should never discourage people. I’ve gotten some great leads and inspirations from comments!

  3. Judy Schechter Says:

    Hi Bufo! Thanks for the laughs! I still remember your post about Prime Cars! 🙂

    • Bufo Calvin Says:

      Thanks for writing, Judy!

      Great! I wasn’t sure if this might not be too touchy a subject too soon for some people, but I think lightening it up is a good thing. It also helps people understand the issues…and yes, I’d love to have my meal at a restaurant delivered that way! That doesn’t mean we don’t like waiters…we do, and sometimes have great conversations with them if it’s slow.

  4. Brenda G. Says:

    Thanks Bufo! Now I found the link. I was looking under ‘About Bufo and ILMK’, but it is under ‘Pages’ then ‘About’

  5. Borrow to Buy: e-book equivalent of Rent to Own? | I Love My Kindle Says:

    […] New menus at the Amazon Diner […]

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